Chasing Rainbows
by miribee
Summary: May 4th 2011: What happened after that kiss on the couch? And after their night together why did Olli send Christian away the next morning?


It was a stupid thing to do, but as that had never stopped him in the past he did it anyway. The flat was empty when he got back. Christian wasn't waiting as he had promised. Olli stood in the hollow silence, a prickling mix of disappointment and relief in the pit of his stomach. The stillness taunted him, like an echo of his future. A vague thought scratched at the back his mind, a fleeting impulse that he should have fought because it wasn't going to do any good. But he could never win when it came to Christian, especially when he was fighting himself. So he gave into that perfect piece of masochism and turned to the shelves that held the mementos of that day. A photograph, the cake decorations, a spare invitation, the half box of confetti saved by Helena and Andi and lying next to it, their gift from Constantine.

The most important day of his life was now just a memory and a flickering stream of images. Already the memories had begun to fade, becoming a little less clear, a little less focused, overlaid by those more recent ones that seemed to bleach the past pale. He watched the two of them, gazing into each other with so much happiness shining from them, it seeped through the screen, reaching out to find him again. The joy of standing beside Christian, looking into his eyes as they made their vows, Christian's hands against his as they kissed, the touch of the gold band he had just placed on Christian's finger. The forgotten colours; lilac ribbons, the rosy glow of the church, the orange, pink and green of flowers and the yellow light of candles. The colours of Christian, the sharp blue of his eyes, the faint tan of his skin and the dusky blonde-brown of his hair, which in more romantic, fanciful moments Olli thought of as golden; Christian, his golden boy.

He believed they were unbreakable then. That everything they had gone through leading up to that moment had tried and tested every emotion they had for each other, making them stronger and more certain. So when he stood before Christian, making promises to be with him through the good and the bad, he meant them, because they already had. He believed the good could only get better and the bad could be endured. He was wrong.

Names circulated around Olli's head, _Miriam, Rebecca, Jessica, Kim_, and he couldn't shut them out. Why did it matter so much, not just that Christian had cheated, but that he had with a woman, always, always with a woman? It shouldn't matter, Olli told himself. But it did.

He was watching for a second time when Christian returned. He knew they should talk, but he honestly didn't know what there was left to say. They always seemed to circle around the same issues, saying the same things which resolved nothing. It left him tired and defeated and Olli could go a long time before he heard the word, _lapse_, again. He didn't want to talk; he only wanted to feel, to feel something other than the emptiness and the angry beat of those names.

He couldn't help looking and meeting Christian's eyes, seeing the remembrance of that day reflected in them. When he reached for Christian, something in Christian's tentative gaze wrenched through him, the same powerful pull that had bound them together long before they stood side by side in a church. The feel of Christian's mouth against his was familiar, jolting a remembered rightness through him. God, how he'd missed the taste of Christian, the soft power of his kiss, his tongue probing Olli's mouth, slipping between his lips with gentle tenderness. He glided his tongue over Christian's, wet and silky warm, melting into him because nothing devastated him as much as Christian's kisses. Hands stretched out, curling around clothes, anchoring them close as lips and tongues danced and slid around. He pulled back, desire and doubt churning low in his belly but Christian's fingers rested against his face, holding him steady. He stared into Christian's eyes, meeting his with such hesitant hope that Olli felt his heart crumble within him.

"Want you." Christian said, so quietly it was less than a whisper.

He pulled Christian to his feet, fingers locked together as they stumbled into the bedroom. He needed to be in their bed, where they had first made love. Needed to go back to the place where he realised he was allowed to love Christian, allowed to touch and hold him, to kiss and caress, to the place where Christian had finally let himself show Olli how much he wanted him. As the door clicked shut, Christian was hard against him, pressing the full length of his strong body into Olli's, leaning forward and capturing his mouth again. Their kisses grew greedy, lips lust-slicked as they parted and claimed more, a soft, sudden fight to control. Christian's demanding hands slipped beneath his shirt, fingertips running the length of Olli's spine, searching lower, into the dip of his back. He pulled at Olli's jeans, snapping the belt free and easing down the zip. Hands slipped between the loosened fabric, stroking fingers sliding down, fingernails scrapping across his backside, teasing the cleft between. Christian breathed a soft sigh into Olli's mouth as he caressed him closer, pulling Olli into him with delicate force and Olli's skin shook with the grind of Christian's erection against his.

His stomach lurched with a strange insistence and he caught Christian's face between his palms. With quiet, savage intent, Olli kissed him, kissed him hard, until Christian's mouth grew slack and swollen and Olli gripped his wrists, shifting them both towards the bed. Christian's breathing hitched as a questioning, curious expression darted across his features but he stayed quiet and allowed himself to be pushed down, the dawning realisation in his eyes giving way to compliance. He didn't resist as Olli stripped him, he merely raised his hips as Olli slid his jeans down, offering himself up before yielding in silent surrender. Olli stood back and began the slow tease of his own unveiling, seeing Christian's gaze intensify as Olli exposed his own nakedness, stripping the world away, so that all that remained was the honesty of the desire that lay between them.

He moved over Christian, straddling his hips and settled down gently against him. He felt the warmth of Christian's skin against his inner thighs, the graze of Christian's cock against his, the faint brush of the hairs of Christian's legs across his calves. His heart was beating too fast at the breath-stealing caress of Christian's warm, waiting body under his. Skin to skin, he stared at the beauty of the man he loved. He had gazed at Christian like this many times, laid out before him like some dissolute fallen angel. It was the image Olli remembered every time they had been apart, when he had missed Christian so badly his skin hurt with the need of his touch and he had come to the feel of his own hand, the memory of Christian trapped in an amber glow behind his closed eyelids. His cock stiffened at the thought of wrapping his fingers around himself, of making Christian watch as Olli came over him, marking him again as Olli's. But his need to be inside Christian was greater. He wanted Christian to feel him come as he flooded his ass with his seed. Wanted Christian to shatter around him, to break into a thousand pieces with Olli deep inside, wanted to hear Christian howl out his name, so there was no doubt that it was Olli fucking him beyond crazy.

He held Christian firmly beneath him, feeling the beat of Christian's blood as it rose higher, staining his skin all the shades of heat and lust. He traced his tongue over the hollow at the base of Christian's throat, burying his face beneath his arms, breathing in fresh sweat and spicy scent. Christian shivered as Olli drifted his mouth across, catching a nipple between his teeth, biting and sucking as it pebbled beneath his tongue. Drinking in more of Christian's scent and feel, Olli rubbed his chin and cheeks over the smooth skin of Christian's stomach. As he pressed little nipping bites along Christian's belly, the sleek tip of Christian's cock bumped against his chin, anointing him with sticky kisses. Circling his face, he grazed Christian's cockhead with his stubbled skin and Christian's breathing fell into short, stuttering gasps.

Hovering over Christian's cock, he breathed gently as he moved lower. Beneath his unforgiving hold, Christian struggled higher, trying to meet his mouth, but keeping Christian still and straining, he watched as shadows of longing crept across Christian's face at the sight of Olli's parted lips teasing close. They stared at each other and then Christian reached out, drawing his fingers across Olli's cheek. He brushed his thumb gently over Olli's lower lip, threatening all the resolve to which Olli was clinging. Parting his lips further, he pulled Christian's thumb between, hollowing his cheeks with every soft suck.

Christian ran his slick thumb back over Olli's lips and Olli crawled up between Christian's legs, his chest and stomach scraping Christian's cock. He lent close and whispered,

"Tell me."

Christian swallowed hard,

"Make love to me."

Everything that pulled and ached inside him uncoiled at Christian's haunted plea. Everything that he was holding sure and certain loosened, becoming fluid and open to the naked emotion laced through those words. He wanted to fuck Christian. To take him with a raw power that would burn through them both. He had never felt such a primal need to possess, to own Christian completely. Own him in the one way only he did, from inside that secret, hidden place that only he knew and in which he came alive. He had asked the question because he thought he knew the answer and needed to hear Christian's desire imprinted on the air around them, the same two words that bled from them both when desperation overcame tenderness, _fuck me_. But in a heartbeat Christian had splintered through his haze of rigid restraint to the memory of what they were. When they took each other, frenzied and passionate, when fingers bit so sharp they made marks that lasted for days after and their lust-rough sounds split the silence of the night, they could never escape the love weaved within. They fucked beautifully, they made love fiercely. It was all one and the same, could never be anything less.

Dropping his head down into the curve of Christian's shoulder, he tried to calm his ragged breathing. Christian's fingers slid into the nape of his neck,

"Olli, I …"

He looked up and Christian faltered. Olli's heart raced and he brushed his lips across Christian's, to still them and stop what he couldn't bear to hear.

"Don't, just … don't."

Olli ran his hands down between Christian's legs, beneath his thighs and pushed them up, folding them against Christian's taut body. Looking down, he let his gaze linger at the sight of Christian's puckered hole, tensing in tiny spasms of anticipation. Drawing a single finger around the tip of Christian's cock, he smeared the shining beads along the slit as more gathered in a silvery pool. He ran his finger down, teasing the sensitive skin. Christian's eyes clouded as Olli explored slowly, gently, the pads of his fingertips slick and smooth as they traced the tight ring of muscle. Wanting to feel Christian writhing under him, he continued to torment, stroking Christian's stomach as his fingers slid and circled around. Christian's hips rocked upwards, pushing against Olli's flattened palm on his stomach. Olli ran his fingers down to the cleft of Christian's ass, up to the patch of skin beneath his balls, catching them with small, grazing strokes, watching with an aching gaze as they pulled high and tight. He drew a whispered line back down to that tense little ring and felt it blossom and the tip of his finger slip easily inside. Heat and muscle clung quick and strong as he eased in. Spiralling around and out, he coaxed Christian apart, watching each stroke penetrate deeper as Christian's body opened and took more with every twisting thrust. The sight of his fingers fucking Christian, seeing him spread wide, feeling each involuntary spasm from within pulling Olli further inside, curled ribbons of arousal into his belly and groin. With every fluid motion, Olli swivelled his wrists, seeking and searching, until the tips of his fingers found what they sought and Christian convulsed hard around him. He brushed with the lightest of sweeps over and over as Christian flinched and jerked, breaking so beautifully beneath Olli, just like he wanted.

Olli bent low, keeping the entire length of his fingers buried, his upturned palms cupping and stroking Christian's balls. Christian stared into Olli, his pupils bleeding wide, eyes darker than midnight.

"Fuck, Olli, please …"

Reaching beneath the pillow for the lube that was always there, Olli coated his own cock, mingling it with the pre-come that had been seeping from him since he first touched Christian. Parting Christian's ass cheeks he lined up his cock with Christian's hole, bracing himself against that first hot, slick squeeze of Christian enclosing around him. He swallowed the choking cry that rose up at the fluttering heat taking him, the pleasure points of his body coalescing into one, blurring into that pulsing friction from which he never wanted to leave. His skin felt too thin, unable to contain all the emotions clawing through him. There was too much to feel, too much to fight. The silken grip of Christian's body, hard muscle and warm skin, holding him so perfectly. Christian's shaking fingers pressing restlessly into his flesh. Christian's hips twitching under him in anxious need. Christian's breath fanned against his neck as he began imploring again. Begging for Olli to move, to let Christian feel him move, _please God, Olli move_.

He drew out, savouring the frantic grip of tightening muscles caressing his cock, sending a thousand shivers of sensation flashing to his fingertips, toes, the hairs of the back of his neck. His jaw ached with the strain of preventing the cries that struggled against his tongue from bursting out. He couldn't, wouldn't let them go, even though his whole being wept with the need to shout out Christian's name. Instead he lent forward to capture Christian's lips, to possess him entirely. But Christian devoured his mouth and between the harsh kisses, the bite and nip of teeth against lips and clash of tongues, Christian whispered,

"Inside me, so good inside me …"

With Christian's thighs high against Olli's sides, arms enfolding him, fingernails digging into his back, Olli slammed into him again and again, fucking him wide and open. He heard Christian cry out in blissful agony and felt a surge of hot come between their stomachs. Christian's hands caught his face, dragging Olli into another desperate, messy kiss. Into the burning, clenching pull of Christian's trembling body, Olli came with shuddering ecstasy, barely able to hold back the love that coiled and cut around his heart like barbed wire, _so much, so much, so much_. Christian's come smeared between their bellies and his own flooded deep inside Christian. The colours of Christian swirling into tiny pin-pricks of white hot light into which Olli sank, until he had nothing left to give. Until nothing remained but a vast and empty darkness.

When he opened his eyes, Christian was watching him. A small smile touched his lips, the same one he gave Olli every time, that secret smile only Olli knew and belonged to him. Olli blinked rapidly, trying to clear his brain back to coherence. Christian brought his face nearer,

"Olli,"

"Yeah,"

"Are you ok?"

Olli smiled, "I think technically I might be dead."

"Oh, that good?"

"That good."

Christian kissed the tip of his nose, "Don't go anywhere."

Olli rolled over onto his back, listening to Christian padding around the bathroom. This was always how it was, always so desperate for each other. Christian always taking care of him after they made love. Olli always letting him, because Christian needed to and because Olli took care of Christian in countless other ways. That was how it worked between them. That was the balance of their life together, the balance that had been shaken by one drunken, stupid night. As Christian knelt over him, running the cloth over his body, Olli lay still and silent. Watching the gentle way Christian touched him, he tried to force out the images that haunted him, even now, with Christian performing acts of intimacy that went beyond sex, taking them to a place of such love and tenderness, Olli wasn't sure he would survive it. Christian stroked his stomach, his inner thighs, creeping up slowly between his legs and Olli felt his cock swell and thicken. He knew where these quiet caresses were taking them because once was never enough. As much as Olli craved it, as much his body already itched with eagerness to allow Christian to love him, he feared what it would mean, if he let Christian back inside him.

...

Christian felt Olli watching him as he trailed his hands up Olli's stomach. Grazing his teeth against Olli's abdominal muscles, he ran his tongue over their dips and ridges. Olli's breathing deepened as Christian's mouth followed the path of his fingers, closer and closer to where he knew they both wanted him to be. _Olli, Olli,_ the name pulsed through him alongside breath and blood. Olli, his strength, his refuge, his heart. He pushed back all the things he wanted to say, because all the apologies and promises in the world couldn't compare to this. Olli's beautiful, naked body pressed close to his, the heat of Olli's desire against his lips, the tremors of love and longing he felt beneath Olli's skin.

For this he had been waiting with anxious certainty; for Olli to return to him. Anything else was impossible and he refused to believe otherwise. He knew he'd been stupid, gut-wrenchingly, soul-shatteringly stupid. It was the banality of it that scared him. He wanted to shout out that it meant nothing, not a good goddamn thing, but that wouldn't help, it would only make it worse. He'd hurt Olli, devastated him, for something so meaningless he'd needed to be virtually unconscious to entertain its possibility. That he'd been drunk was no excuse, it only served to prove that even in his darkest hours he'd never needed the cover of obliteration to be with Olli. It was enough to be in the same room as Olli. To meet his eyes, sultry with hungry love was all it took to want to crawl inside him or to ache with the need to open himself up and be taken in ways that he'd craved since the beginning.

He took Olli in his mouth, remembering the first time he had, when the salty, male heat had burst across his tongue and he'd almost cried out with joy as he realised just how much he loved it. He loved the feel of Olli, running his tongue over the silky skin of the shaft, feeling it shift over the lovely hardness beneath. Tracing the thick vein that ran along its underside to the rim of the head, to that place which had Olli breathless and pleading from only the lightest of touches. Olli's body aroused him in ways that still had the power to shock him. Sometimes his own passion unnerved him; not just in those early days, when he and Olli had needed little excuse to haul each other into bed and find new ways to excite each other. He only really understood the depths of his want for Olli later, when threats began to appear and he was faced with losing him. Losing him to the ugly brutality of Axel or when Rob turned up, smug and slick as an oil spill. Those threats made Christian realise just how deep his love for Olli ran. Not only his love but his possessiveness, that fiery protectiveness that flared up when Olli was in danger, sometimes from Olli himself. At those times he came face to face with the reality of what Olli meant to him, that Olli was a part of him and carried a piece of him also. To say he loved Olli sometimes didn't seem enough, and the violence of those indescribable emotions shook him. So he said nothing, choosing to believe Olli knew and the words of love he did speak, when he couldn't hold back any longer, were all Olli needed.

He pressed his lips firm around Olli's cock and drew up in a long, slow drag. Resting his lips at its moist tip, he pressed a soft kiss there, raising his gaze to Olli's face. Uncertain and cautious, Olli's eyes found his. That small, dull ache lodged constantly in his heart twisted into sharp pain at the knowledge Olli couldn't quite let go, because Olli was fighting to trust him again. But he had ways of making Olli lose control.

He threaded his hands beneath Olli and turned him into his stomach, running his palms up and down Olli's back, down to his backside, knowing the tease of his touch would send shivers through Olli as he waited and wanted Christian to delve deeper. He loved Olli's skin, its delicate smoothness and the way it tasted, sweet at first and then sharp with arousal. He loved the sight of his fingers stroking over Olli's ass, up his strong back, muscles lean and sleek against his palms, their ripple and flex as Olli chased the sensations. He smoothed a light caress over the curved marks left by his own fingernails. Sparks of remembered desire flickered with the thought of how they came to be there. His fingers clinging as Olli moved inside, the exquisite fullness that came with the glide of Olli's cock stroking him from within, flooding his body with helpless pleasure.

He ran his hands back down to Olli's ass cheeks, parting them further with every caress. As he exposed the little pucker between, he felt Olli shiver and tense and against the bed sheets, his fingers curled, the knuckles stretched white. In small teasing circles he moved his thumbs closer, cupping Olli's ass cheeks in his palms, not willing to lose any part of Olli's skin against his touch. When he had completely exposed that dusky little ring he lent forward, inhaling the musky scent of Olli, the scent that caused that heady rush of longing tumbling through him, tingling against his fingers, beating against his lips with the need to taste Olli and feel that little hole yield to his tongue. He nuzzled close into Olli, knowing how crazy it drove him when Christian did this. As he pressed his mouth against Olli's skin, kissing and loving with his lips, he felt a shudder run the length of Olli, his thighs quiver and his hips jolt, pushing him further into Christian. He swirled his thumbs closer, splitting Olli further apart, then he ran his tongue around the rim of muscle, feeling it spasm and slacken, grow lax as he lapped his tongue over and around. He heard low whimpers from Olli and felt the soft, needy thrust of his hips. He dipped his tongue deep inside, inside Olli's dark heat, the raw intimacy tugging from him all those entwined emotions of love and passionate want that were always tied up with Olli. He bound his mouth against the striated skin and began flicking his tongue in and out, his love for Olli flowing through him just as Olli's scent and taste drowned his senses. His stomach clenched with his own desire, needing Olli to know, to feel with every touch just how much Christian wanted him, desired him, loved him.

He drew his mouth up, trailing a line of gentle kisses along Olli's spine and his hands up the back of Olli's thighs. When he was laid out completely over Olli, their bodies fitted together, feeling the sweet submission of Olli beneath him, he rested against Olli's neck. He slid his legs between Olli's thighs, parting them further and sinking his hard cock into the slick crack of Olli's ass. Settling there he reached up and slipped his fingers between Olli's, wanting to feel all of Olli against him.

"Olli," he breathed softly. Olli's face was lost in the pillows.

"You taste wonderful, do you know that?"

Olli turned his face to meet Christian's.

"Taste yourself on me," His mouth barely touching Olli's, he ghosted a kiss over the tiny wisp of air separating them until Olli ran his tongue over Christian's lips.

Christian began to glide his hips between Olli's splayed legs, stroking the length of his cock between Olli's ass. He slid a hand between them, running the pads of his fingers over the Olli's hole, playing and teasing it open further before catching his own painfully ready cock and guiding it until the tip found Olli's hot entrance. His breath caught fast in his throat as he fought the urge to drive in, the loosened little ring still clingingly tight and tantalising around the head of his cock. The nerve endings there screamed with pleasure at the feel of Olli's pucker grip fast around him.

"Can you feel me, love? Feel how much I want you, want to be inside only you."

His thighs shook with the strain of holding back, of feeling Olli's body stretch and surround him, muscles taut with desire and skin molten. He twisted them so they were lying on their sides, sliding his arm beneath Olli, he braced them close together and beneath his palm he felt the rapid beat of Olli's heart. With his right hand, he ran a gentle caress over the satin-smooth curve of Olli's hip. He wound his fingers slowly into the damp curls of pubic hair and wrapped them round the base of Olli's cock. Olli gave a soft cry as Christian held him, his eyelids squeezed tight shut. Hard heat searing his palm, Christian began stroking, firm and steady, up and down the length of Olli, smearing creamy drops of early come beneath his hand. He dropped light, murmured kisses across Olli's shoulders, his tongue gathering the beads of sweat that broke out over his skin.

"Open your eyes, look at me."

When Olli did, Christian saw the last piece of self-control hover around his gaze and so he did the only thing he could to break through and prove to Olli there was no need to hide, no need to try and protect himself, because Christian was all the protection he would ever need.

"Olli, I love you."

Olli gave a small devastated moan and began rocking himself softly through the slick channel of Christian's hand, nudging against Christian's cock, sliding Christian further and further inside with each fevered, taking thrust. Olli's eyes widened with each gentle movement, the restraint clouding them slipping, sliding away. Christian's whole body felt those sweet little shudders as Olli took him deeper and heard the soft, strangled sounds that caught in the back of his throat. His face was so close to Olli's they shared the same heated, huffy breaths and Christian gathered, with every gentle flick of his tongue passing over Olli's parted mouth, the taste of Olli and sex; a trace of citrus, the faint bitterness of come, the smoky taste of Olli's body that still clung to Christian's lips and fired through him the sense-memory of Olli spread wide for him.

He groaned and lowered his mouth to Olli's shoulder, biting gently into his glistening skin in a tortured effort to hold himself still. He clasped Olli to him, loving the slow build of tension as Olli's ass stroked his cock back and forth. Gradually he felt the final tight barrier inside give and part and then he slid fully into Olli. Holding Olli's unfocused gaze with his, he tightened his grasp on Olli's cock, running his fingers in measured strokes, up and down. Every time he hit the crown, he ran his thumb across, smearing sticky fluid over the smooth head. Rolling his hips languidly around, his balls tightened against Olli's skin, the two of them so intimately bound. He felt the quivering pull of Olli's hole running the length of him, dragging come dangerously close as the hot swell of his own orgasm threatened. Olli's small sobs became a low chant,

"Oh God, oh God, oh God."

Christian kissed the warm skin behind Olli's ear before whispering,

"Staying inside you, sweetheart, just like this. Staying inside you until you come for me."

He pulsed his hips in low beats, meeting the steady, graceful movement of Olli's. And then they found it, the slowest, gentlest rhythm of loving, barely moving, just the sway and glide of their bodies merging into one.

Olli came with a soft, sweet wildness. The smooth planes of his face furrowed with faint lines of anguished pleasure, his come coating Christian's hand in bursting spasms. He slicked it down Olli's cock, never easing the slide of his hand, wanting keep Olli at this point of abandoned joy for as long as possible, wanting to hear Olli's low, fractured cries, the final admission he had surrendered.

"So much, so much, oh God Christian, love you so much."

Powerless even to cry out, Christian clung to Olli and gave in. As the waves of come and climaxes broke over them, he gazed at Olli, seeing all the purity of his desire hot and bright in his eyes, his face a beautiful, blurry mess of open, vulnerable love.

He pressed his mouth to Olli's, seeking out his tongue, and they kissed, slow and sensual as Olli continued to rock against him. Lightheaded, his own hushed words of love tumbled out between kisses, slipping into all those apologies, all those promises he was so desperate to make Olli believe.

Olli reached up, stroking Christian's face, whispering to him to stay inside and Christian cradled him close, unable to let go. He lowered his face to Olli's neck, the humid skin strong with the mingled scent of sex and sweat, the scent that always clung to their skin after they made love, that came only from this, from them. He had wanted to push Olli to let go, to become defenceless under Christian so he could prove his love and fierce desire, but Christian couldn't prevent himself from coming apart in Olli, because he loved him too much and wanted him too badly to do anything else.

In the peace that enfolded them, the peace that always came after he had loved Olli, he silently gave thanks. They had come through, survived the storm and his world made sense again, because he was back in Olli's arms. The sickening dread that had been plaguing him washed away as Olli turned and nestled into him. Every part of him was alive with relief and calm elation at the promise this night had brought. He didn't think he could love Olli more, but in this, this sweet, intense intimacy he found his love was endless, infinite. That Olli was the beginning and end of him.

...

Christian lay close beside him, his arms clasped around Olli, even as he slept. It was always like this; Christian would sink into a sleep so heavy the world could crash down around them and he wouldn't wake. Olli would sleep eventually, but he was always too keyed up, too aware of the pleasure Christian had wrought to slip into slumber easily. His body hummed with the memory of Christian, his love-addled brain trying to catch up. Through the thin curtains, a full moon cast its dusty light across the room and slowly, carefully, Olli disentangled himself from Christian. Rising onto his knees, Olli gently pulled back the sheets, revealing Christian's body, glowing from sex and love and moonlight. He stared, his skin still raw from Christian's fingers and lips, his body well-loved and sated, and absorbed into his memory every colour and curve of Christian, before it was too late, before he walked away.

It wasn't about love, he would always love Christian. Christian was rooted in his heart and soul and there he would remain. It was about never being quite sure if Christian loved him enough to stay, always wondering if, when it got tough again, Christian would turn away from him. It was about never being sure there wasn't someone else out there who Christian would come to love more. Someone who could give him all the things Olli never could, proving that, for a brief time, Christian had lapsed into Olli.

It would always be there, the fear that Christian would leave him and tear his heart apart. He couldn't wait for that day and having the worry lurking at the back of everything they did, tainting every moment they shared, every time they made love. Olli couldn't live that lie, the lie that it was all okay and he could put it behind them and move on. So it wasn't about love, or forgiveness, or even trust, it was about truth and the truth was that the wonderful thing they had been was gone. The colours of them had faded, like the memories of their wedding day, and each night that passed they faded a little more. Olli could chase those colours, try and snatch them back again, but he would always be chasing an illusion, a beautiful trick of the light, something not actually real, only sunshine and rain. Something that burned bright for a while and then paled into nothing.

Christian murmured and shifted in sleep, as if aware Olli was no longer lying beside him. Cool air shivered against his skin and he moved back down, pulling the covers over them. Christian's arm curled around his waist and Olli settled into the warmth and comfort of him. Night after night he had drifted into sleep like this, with Christian's legs following the line of his, Christian's face buried against his neck and the reassuring beat of Christian's heart against his back. Olli lay, listening to the sound of Christian's breathing, and waited for the night to pass.

In the early morning, he slipped out of bed and pulled on his clothes. He knew he should shower, but he didn't want to wash Christian from his body; not his touch nor his scent, not anything that remained of the reality of the previous night. That would come soon enough. He watched Christian for a moment longer, resisting the urge to sit beside him. To reach out and feather his fingers through Christian's sleep mussed hair, to tease him awake with kisses and whispered words, because that belonged to their past and the morning had changed what they were. Last night; loving, tender, passionate.

It wasn't a new beginning, it was goodbye.


End file.
